It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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