She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
