I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
