So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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