Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
