Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
