I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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