the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Someone came in the potted fern
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
