The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
