True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
