if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
