my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
