Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
