I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
