I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
