I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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