I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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