Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
