Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
