i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
