wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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