i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
