I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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