i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
