the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
