I want to have your abortion
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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