giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
