What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
