apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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