May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
