She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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