When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
