apparently the secret to your success is patron
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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