You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
