I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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