I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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