roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
