those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
