Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
