The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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