just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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