why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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