I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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