your parents love me but you hate me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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