i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
