So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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