I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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