did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
