I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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