the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
