I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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